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Thread: Humor - Page 3







Post#51 at 07-26-2010 06:48 PM by JDFP [at Knoxville, TN. joined Jul 2010 #posts 1,200]
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"But I'm not dead yet! I'm getting better! I don't want to go on the cart! I want to go for a walk! I feel happy! I feel happy!" <CLUNK!>

j.p.

"And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.‎" -- Raymond Carver


"A
page of good prose remains invincible." -- John Cheever










Post#52 at 07-26-2010 06:50 PM by Adina [at joined Jan 2010 #posts 3,613]
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Quote Originally Posted by JDFP View Post
"But I'm not dead yet! I'm getting better! I don't want to go on the cart! I want to go for a walk! I feel happy! I feel happy!" <CLUNK!>

j.p.
I missed that episode. Sounds hilarious.







Post#53 at 07-26-2010 11:18 PM by Tone70 [at Omaha joined Apr 2010 #posts 1,473]
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Thumbs up

Quote Originally Posted by James50 View Post
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q
: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

James50

Man I can't belive I missed this! FUNNY!
"Freedom is not something that the rulers "give" the population...people have immense power potential. It is ultimately their attitudes, behavior, cooperation, and obedience that supply the power to all rulers and hierarchical systems..." - Gene Sharp

"The Occupy protesters are acting like citizens, believing they have the power to change things...that humble people can acquire power when they convince themselves they can." - William Greider







Post#54 at 07-26-2010 11:27 PM by Tone70 [at Omaha joined Apr 2010 #posts 1,473]
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Ummm, so yeah. Spongebob apparently lives with someone named Sandy Cheeks in Bikini Bottom. Honestly! Check the link.

So Adina, in my considered opinion, Spongebob is a prophylactic sponge of the 13th generation.
Last edited by Tone70; 07-27-2010 at 05:01 PM.
"Freedom is not something that the rulers "give" the population...people have immense power potential. It is ultimately their attitudes, behavior, cooperation, and obedience that supply the power to all rulers and hierarchical systems..." - Gene Sharp

"The Occupy protesters are acting like citizens, believing they have the power to change things...that humble people can acquire power when they convince themselves they can." - William Greider







Post#55 at 07-26-2010 11:35 PM by Tone70 [at Omaha joined Apr 2010 #posts 1,473]
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Bet you wondered if you should click that second link. Brave to have done so. LOL.
Last edited by Tone70; 08-18-2010 at 10:59 PM.
"Freedom is not something that the rulers "give" the population...people have immense power potential. It is ultimately their attitudes, behavior, cooperation, and obedience that supply the power to all rulers and hierarchical systems..." - Gene Sharp

"The Occupy protesters are acting like citizens, believing they have the power to change things...that humble people can acquire power when they convince themselves they can." - William Greider







Post#56 at 07-26-2010 11:57 PM by Ragnarök_62 [at Oklahoma joined Nov 2006 #posts 5,511]
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Quote Originally Posted by Tone70 View Post
Ummm, so yeah. Spongebob apparently lives with someone named Sandy Cheeks in Bikini Bottom. Honestly! Check the link.

So Adina, in my considered opinion, Spongebob is a prophylactic sponge of the 13th generation.
OMG heh. ROTFLMAO
MBTI step II type : Expressive INTP

There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term:
The winning student wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."







Post#57 at 07-28-2010 10:20 PM by James50 [at Atlanta, GA US joined Feb 2010 #posts 3,605]
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Zedonk

Is Georgia a cool place or what?

4 day old Zedonk born in Lumpkin County, GA

http://yhoo.it/ahCewF

James50
The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of the Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected. - G.K. Chesterton







Post#58 at 07-28-2010 10:25 PM by Adina [at joined Jan 2010 #posts 3,613]
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Lol. At first glance, I thought you meant that somebody from Lumpkin County GA named their kid Zedonk! I'd hate to be Zedonk of Lumpkin.







Post#59 at 07-28-2010 10:38 PM by Justin '77 [at Meh. joined Sep 2001 #posts 12,182]
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Quote Originally Posted by James50 View Post
Lumpkin County, GA...
Living in Russia, we wanted to give our dog a good, solid, clearly-American name. Since her litter was "L", and since the name "Lakota" is just too damn cliche, we ended up calling her Lumpkin (Lumpy). It was a great amusement to explain to friends that she was named -- indirectly -- after the governor of Georgia who initiated the last major genocide against the indians of that state.

She died too young, kicking off the the worst year I have ever had. But she was a good dog.

-sigh-
"Qu'est-ce que c'est que cela, la loi ? On peut donc être dehors. Je ne comprends pas. Quant à moi, suis-je dans la loi ? suis-je hors la loi ? Je n'en sais rien. Mourir de faim, est-ce être dans la loi ?" -- Tellmarch

"Человек не может снять с себя ответственности за свои поступки." - L. Tolstoy

"[it]
is no doubt obvious, the cult of the experts is both self-serving, for those who propound it, and fraudulent." - Noam Chomsky







Post#60 at 07-28-2010 11:09 PM by Tone70 [at Omaha joined Apr 2010 #posts 1,473]
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Quote Originally Posted by James50 View Post
Is Georgia a cool place or what?

4 day old Zedonk born in Lumpkin County, GA

http://yhoo.it/ahCewF

James50
Poor thing looks like it's wearing stockings.
"Freedom is not something that the rulers "give" the population...people have immense power potential. It is ultimately their attitudes, behavior, cooperation, and obedience that supply the power to all rulers and hierarchical systems..." - Gene Sharp

"The Occupy protesters are acting like citizens, believing they have the power to change things...that humble people can acquire power when they convince themselves they can." - William Greider







Post#61 at 07-29-2010 08:57 AM by James50 [at Atlanta, GA US joined Feb 2010 #posts 3,605]
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from Fark:

"Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine are doing their best to try and plug Wookieleaks, which has been busy releasing controversial documents about the Empire's war with the Rebel Alliance"

Art imitates life. This is for all you tweaters out there. Try the #Wookieleaks tag.

James50
The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of the Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected. - G.K. Chesterton







Post#62 at 08-02-2010 01:26 PM by Tone70 [at Omaha joined Apr 2010 #posts 1,473]
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Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck.

In my considered opinion, this theory give S&H a run for their money.

"It All Makes Sense Now..."

There are three kinds of people -- I call them Larrys, Curlys, and Moes. The Larrys don't even know that there are three types; if they're told, it's an abstraction, because they cannot imagine anything beyond Larry-ness. The Curlys know about it, and recognize the pecking order, but find ways of living with it cheerfully...for they are the imaginative, creative ones. The Moes not only know about it, but exploit and perpetuate it...
I think I'm a Moe with Curly-ish tendencies. Which are you?


*removes tongue from cheek*

"Freedom is not something that the rulers "give" the population...people have immense power potential. It is ultimately their attitudes, behavior, cooperation, and obedience that supply the power to all rulers and hierarchical systems..." - Gene Sharp

"The Occupy protesters are acting like citizens, believing they have the power to change things...that humble people can acquire power when they convince themselves they can." - William Greider







Post#63 at 08-04-2010 02:12 PM by Adina [at joined Jan 2010 #posts 3,613]
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I found a random poetry generator:

http://thinkzone.wlonk.com/PoemGen/PoemGen.htm







Post#64 at 08-04-2010 06:47 PM by annla899 [at joined Sep 2008 #posts 2,860]
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Quote Originally Posted by Tone70 View Post
In my considered opinion, this theory give S&H a run for their money.



I think I'm a Moe with Curly-ish tendencies. Which are you?


*removes tongue from cheek*

I'm a Curly with a bit of Larry. OK, more than a bit.







Post#65 at 08-04-2010 07:44 PM by Skabungus [at West Michigan joined Jun 2007 #posts 1,027]
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Quote Originally Posted by Tone70 View Post
In my considered opinion, this theory give S&H a run for their money.



I think I'm a Moe with Curly-ish tendencies. Which are you?


*removes tongue from cheek*

I like the theory.

I've had the displeasure of knowing the Ivan Stang. This is not his theory, he stole it, which I think he hints at, but I will come right out an tell you so.

Ivan Stang is definitely a Moe. A very small, very impotent, very self absorbed Moe. He will be vanquished.

..............for the record, I am a Curly to the core.
Last edited by Skabungus; 08-05-2010 at 11:13 AM.







Post#66 at 08-05-2010 01:29 PM by Tone70 [at Omaha joined Apr 2010 #posts 1,473]
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Cerwtainly smells Moey to me.

He stole it? Stole it? Damn! What a f@&king Moe thing to do! I mean how Moe can you go?
Last edited by Tone70; 08-06-2010 at 02:15 AM. Reason: rhyme added
"Freedom is not something that the rulers "give" the population...people have immense power potential. It is ultimately their attitudes, behavior, cooperation, and obedience that supply the power to all rulers and hierarchical systems..." - Gene Sharp

"The Occupy protesters are acting like citizens, believing they have the power to change things...that humble people can acquire power when they convince themselves they can." - William Greider







Post#67 at 08-05-2010 02:23 PM by Adina [at joined Jan 2010 #posts 3,613]
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Why do penguins have webbed feet?







Post#68 at 08-05-2010 02:44 PM by Tone70 [at Omaha joined Apr 2010 #posts 1,473]
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Damn Moes everywhere!

Damn those Rightist Moe-ists.

And damn those Leftist Moe-ists.

Damn those Nazi Moes.

And those wanna be Nazi Moes who think this is funny.

For good measure I also damn ideological and conniving, thieving Moes.

We need a witch hunt! If you could be the Moe's McCarthy, who would you have before the committee?

Oh and kids...

to drugs!

Last edited by Tone70; 08-18-2010 at 11:00 PM.
"Freedom is not something that the rulers "give" the population...people have immense power potential. It is ultimately their attitudes, behavior, cooperation, and obedience that supply the power to all rulers and hierarchical systems..." - Gene Sharp

"The Occupy protesters are acting like citizens, believing they have the power to change things...that humble people can acquire power when they convince themselves they can." - William Greider







Post#69 at 08-05-2010 02:56 PM by Skabungus [at West Michigan joined Jun 2007 #posts 1,027]
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Quote Originally Posted by Adina View Post
Why do penguins have webbed feet?
Evolution?







Post#70 at 08-05-2010 04:00 PM by Justin '77 [at Meh. joined Sep 2001 #posts 12,182]
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Quote Originally Posted by Adina View Post
Why do penguins have webbed feet?
To walk on when they aren't swimming.
"Qu'est-ce que c'est que cela, la loi ? On peut donc être dehors. Je ne comprends pas. Quant à moi, suis-je dans la loi ? suis-je hors la loi ? Je n'en sais rien. Mourir de faim, est-ce être dans la loi ?" -- Tellmarch

"Человек не может снять с себя ответственности за свои поступки." - L. Tolstoy

"[it]
is no doubt obvious, the cult of the experts is both self-serving, for those who propound it, and fraudulent." - Noam Chomsky







Post#71 at 08-15-2010 02:02 PM by James50 [at Atlanta, GA US joined Feb 2010 #posts 3,605]
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The search for the perfect Bea Arthur (1922-2009). I think there is a generational message here, but its funny even if there is not.

Pearls before Swine - 8/15/10

http://bit.ly/COW0

James50
The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of the Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected. - G.K. Chesterton







Post#72 at 08-18-2010 01:27 PM by Tone70 [at Omaha joined Apr 2010 #posts 1,473]
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Since we were talking @ otters.

There was Cleaver the amorous otter
With a beaver, tho' he'd not sought her
You're a beaver, I see
With a beaver, for thee
She replied, thus making them hotter!
"Freedom is not something that the rulers "give" the population...people have immense power potential. It is ultimately their attitudes, behavior, cooperation, and obedience that supply the power to all rulers and hierarchical systems..." - Gene Sharp

"The Occupy protesters are acting like citizens, believing they have the power to change things...that humble people can acquire power when they convince themselves they can." - William Greider







Post#73 at 08-18-2010 02:10 PM by Adina [at joined Jan 2010 #posts 3,613]
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Quote Originally Posted by James50 View Post
from Fark:


Art imitates life. This is for all you tweaters out there. Try the #Wookieleaks tag.

James50
Wow, Twitter's still alive? I haven't used it in months. Does it really keep peoples' interest that long?

There was Cleaver the amorous otter With a beaver, tho' he'd not sought her You're a beaver, I see With a beaver, for thee She replied, thus making them hotter
Still yapping about otters and beavers, I see.







Post#74 at 08-18-2010 02:55 PM by Tone70 [at Omaha joined Apr 2010 #posts 1,473]
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Quote Originally Posted by Adina View Post

Still yapping about otters and beavers, I see.
Yes but I confined myself to the humor thread, today.

Yapping huh, I'll operate on the assumption that you were un-intentionally insulting. You should really work on your people skills. Oh and,seriously, lighten up and pay more attention or talk less. Pick at least two.
Last edited by Tone70; 08-18-2010 at 11:56 PM.
"Freedom is not something that the rulers "give" the population...people have immense power potential. It is ultimately their attitudes, behavior, cooperation, and obedience that supply the power to all rulers and hierarchical systems..." - Gene Sharp

"The Occupy protesters are acting like citizens, believing they have the power to change things...that humble people can acquire power when they convince themselves they can." - William Greider







Post#75 at 08-18-2010 03:15 PM by Adina [at joined Jan 2010 #posts 3,613]
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Pay more attention to what? Your inappropriate, inscrutable jokes?

yapping huh, I'll operate on the assumption that you were un-intentionally insulting. You should really work on your people skills
What's wrong with honesty and directness?
Last edited by Adina; 08-18-2010 at 03:24 PM.
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